As an adult, it’s taken me a long time to truly come to terms with the abuse I suffered as a child. I had the dishonor of taking part in arguments about “Who’s abuse was worse”, as well as the torment of knowing that I will have to live out my entire life with these memories.
One of the biggest milestones in my life however, was disconnecting from my mom. I’ve tried too many times, and put too much effort into building a real relationship with her, to have her fall into old patterns time after time… sometimes, it’s like she doesn’t even know who I am, other than seeing me as that abused child, barely able to function, that I used to be.
Now, I was diagnosed autistic when I was younger, but, my doctor has agreed it was most likely due to the abuse, as I have no real issue talking in groups, displaying strength and confidence with co-workers, and really pushing myself to achieve where I need to! But I still remember how I used to be near her… and how much of it was just fear of how she might react, what she might do next.
I never want to feel that way again, and I’ve learnt that now I have no trouble standing up for myself, even if she is in the room, but… it’s taken me a few attempts to truly realize that the path she’s on, the path she refuses to leave… will only drag me down too if I try to be there for her, unless she decides to start working on herself.